What, me worry ?

I’m always worrying whether i’ve locked the car using the remote electronic key crap.  I’ve had to walk back many times to the car after parking to check if I’ve remembered to lock it.  I was thinking why not have an indicator on the key itself which says whether the car is locked or not.  Well I’m pretty sure someone’s thought of this earlier, but why don’t we have something like that ? I badly need a key like that for in fact anything that needs to be locked. The constant worrying about whether I’ve locked something is starting to annoy the crap out of me.  How fucking hard can it be, lock and key industry ?

Yes, today is Diwali. The worst fucking day of the year. This is when shit-heads all over the country burst crackers the whole freaking day and night. The crackers are ear-drum-puncture loud. OK, it may make sense to light a few symbolic crackers/fireworks to celebrate the festival of light and all that pile of horseshit. But why in God’s name do you have to fucking do it every second of the day you sick retards ?

Why dirty the already filthy streets ? Why turn the chaos into a cacophony ?

I was dreaming up the horrific abuses that, given the chance, I could mete out to these vile bastards. I was typing it here, but then realized that these particular sentiments could cause me to be branded as  a social psychopath.

But I think we know who the real psychopaths are. Happy Diwali.

We Indians are the world’s noisiest (and nosiest people). Let me get done with the nosy part first.  We have a twisted and perverse interest in the affairs of other people.  I will concede that folks world wide have an ear for gossip which explains the whole paparazzi and the tabloid business. However, the point where things get so annoying is that people here make concerted efforts to get private information out – directly or indirectly.  Everyone right from the security guard, the maid, colleagues, neighbours take a keen interest in every stupid little thing. Where did you go ? How come you are late today ? Who is that friend of yours ?  All right, What the fuck ? Yes, you may have these thoughts inside your sick mind, but why ask directly ? What is your fucking business asshole ? Anyway, I have now resigned myself to this and now answer in monosyllables rather than asking the offenders to fuck off.

OK, now to the noisy part. This is probably the most exasperating, frustrating part of daily life in India. There’s noise everywhere – every fucking where. It’s unimaginable.   Loud music/TV, traffic honking, shouting while talking, construction noise and not to mention dogs.   The worst criminals are these “organizers” of local celebrations of all kinds of religious festivals.  Of course complaining against loud noise will only hurt religious sentiments. What a load of bullshit.  Is that how you celebrate a religious festival ? It is an occasion to sincerely thank the almighty for his blessings  and for quiet reflection and prayer. Can there be even an ounce of devotion that is possible with loud blaring music from cheap speakers ? The situation is of course compounded when there are competing local celebrations each attempting to outdo each other in the “who can play the loudest music” game. Do not these morons realize that there can be infants, old people, sick patients who can be severely affected by noise ?

The next bunch of assholes are those who play the fucking TV and radio loudly. What the fuck is their problem ?  Behenchod! There is some thing called headphones for fuck’s sake. What’s really incredible is complaints are met with blank faces – oh my god, how can that even disturb you ?  In general, Indians tend to have a high noise tolerance.  I am frequently surprised to find people not upset by high levels of noise.

It is impossible to find peace, quite and solitude in this country. At home, you are besieged by neighbours and other assholes. At work by co-worker retards who are compelled to loudly discuss everything. While commuting, traffic noise. You cant think straight! You go to a resort in the wilderness and some bastard is chopping wood or playing something obscene on his cellphone.

So, what’s the solution ? Unfortunately none that works. Legislation exists but is rarely enforced and you might get into trouble for complaining.  I have tried noise isolating earphones with limited success.  At home, you can try fitting noise insulating windows and maybe at work you can ask your colleagues to shut the fuck up.

If all else fails, pray. (Quietly of course).

I have been using delicious (the bookmarking website) off and on for quite a while.  I used the Firefox plug in which had a nice big button on the toolbar to create a new bookmark. Now I was using Firefox which didn’t have the delicious plug in installed and I wanted to save a bookmark, so I had to use the website.  For the life of me, I couldn’t find the new bookmark link anywhere. Finally I found it – hidden away in the top-right (just below the search box). What the fuck ?  For a bookmarking website, the add new bookmark button should be the biggest, most conspicuous button on the page – screaming for attention! I dont get it at all – I mean who okays these usability decisions ?

Dammit, where is the submit new bookmark button ?

I hate it when websites and corporations send you email but don’t offer an easy way to unsubscribe from the shit-loads of unsolicited junk. Sometimes the unsubscribe link is buried away in size 0.1 font somewhere at the bottom of the email, sometimes they don’t’ work, sometimes they seemingly work only for you to horribly realize later that you’re getting even more email. Understandably people make it intentionally harder to unsubscribe because well getting people to read your mail in the first place is tough. All I ask is make sure you have an unsubscription process that is relatively accessible and painless.  So I was shocked when I got this email from a mailing list that I was on.

Oh, we just thought you might not want us...

It’s like the folks at Notre Dame MBA did all the hard work in getting my email address – either interested me enough to sign up for their email or got it from a database.  (Both of which Im sure cost them in some way).  Then they decide to send me an email saying that oh well we’ve been sending you mail and newsletters about our program  but here’s an email which we have specially sent you so that you can undo all we’ve done so far in a single click. Thanks!

I clicked the link and was unsubscribed instantaneously.

Why would any seller of products/services want to do this ? It beats me.   The irony of it is that this comes from an MBA program.

I hate ComicSans with a vengeance.  It is a disgusting font – immature, frivolous and visually jarring.   Here is a much better explanation of why ComicSans needs to be banned.  I think the choice of typography says a lot about someone – and ComicSans probably represents scum.  Also do not fucking use Word to design HTML mailers – it is downright ugly, use something professional. OK ?

Hiring an autorickshaw in Chennai is a fucking nightmare. (Well all over India, but more so here).  The auto drivers are illiterate, uncouth and rude assholes who are out to rip you off.   All auto charges are unregulated – this means that the meter is a mere decoration – and the drivers charge outrageous prices .  The drivers are school dropouts without zero education and zero road sense ; They drive the auto as if they are in a freaking video game.   The bus is not a great alternative, because they always seems to be packed and you have to figure out the routes.  However, hiring a “call-taxi” is a great alternative. I recommend Fasttrack.  They are economical  and provide punctual and efficient service. The drivers are courteous and professional. The only catch is you can’t wave them down – you have to make a booking on the phone and then they pick you up.  I seriously recommend to always hire a call taxi in Chennai.

Sometimes taking the auto is a necessity, here are a few tips to make the experience slightly tolerable.

Always fix the fare before getting into the Auto.  Auto drivers sometimes ask for you to quote the price you are willing to pay.  If you know the realistic fare for the distance – then just quote that fare and stick to your guns. If the driver demands more, just walk away – he will most likely follow you and agree for your price. Otherwise just pick another auto which would have queued up in the background while you are haggling with the current one.

Now, if the auto driver quotes a price – a good guideline is to immediately cut that price by 40-50%.   This will be the “real” price.  If further negotiations ensue, do not pay  anything more than 10Rs in addition to the real price. Just say balls and walk away.  Supply is more than demand – You’ll always win.

The other thing to watch out for is reckless and downright dangerous driving by the drivers. Breakneck speeds, sharp turns, violation of red signals, one-ways and all kinds of depravity. I don’t know if they get their kicks out of some deranged sense of bravado.  If you feel the driving is reckless firmly ask the driver to slow down. Do not be silent – the autorickshaw is an inherently unstable vehicle – its better to be safe then sorry. Sometimes the drivers are also drunk – in this case immediately bail from the vehicle. Pay some money if necessary, but just get the hell out.

There’s a lot of buzz about cloud computing these days.  The basic idea is to not install any software or application – but instead pay someone else who installs and runs it for you using their hardware – while you use it over the internet (aka “the cloud”).

While I am not fully informed on the subject – which anyway will not stop me from proclaiming that my vote goes to the cloud computing idea. I think its an idea whos time has come.   Why ? Because deploying and maintaining enterprise software is difficult, complex, overwhelming, yup, here’s the term I was looking for – its fucking painful.  It reminds me of the acronym – FMGWACS – Fuck Me Gently With A Chain Saw. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that’s what IT folks says when deploying enterprise software.  Order freakingly expensive hardware, invest in a rainbow of licenses, coordinate with a billion folks for a myriad variety of tasks – network teams for loadbalancing, OS teams for deploying, SAN teams for storage, cluster configuration teams and <insert-your-favourite> team. Its crazy, expensive and a time-destroyer.

I’m sure that companies will pay good money to get this monkey off their backs.  That’s why I’m betting the cloud model will kick ass someday.

I fucking hate dogs.

Insane Dog!

They are one of the most annoying and loathsome creatures and I despise them deeply.  Why ?  (Throughout this post, by dogs I mean domesticated dogs)

- Dogs are loud and noisy – The goddamn barking ! Loud ! eardrum splitting, ball-bustingly loud. And persistent. Why do they do that ? I have no freaking idea – its traumatising.

- Dogs kill: Stray dogs have killed and eaten little children  Yeah, you rabid dog lovers – read this BBC Report.

- Finally, whats the point ! – Why keep dogs at home ? As pets ? You are making life hell for yourself, for others and for the damn dog itself:

Read this from Peter Bright – the founder of Quiet Tasmania – an anti  barking, anti noise website.

“The selfish and reckless determination of many owners to keep domestic dogs under circumstances which are entirely unnatural to a creature congenitally programmed to free-range has been allowed by default to become an uncontrolled plague causing almost universal distress to man and dog to such a disruptive extent that while consequent human suffering is increasing exponentially millions of these cruelly victimised creatures are now being euthanised annually …”

Some of my um.. radical solutions..

1) Cook’em’up : Eat dogs. Yeah, let’s all get some help from our Chinese, Korean and Vietnamese brethren on some tasty dog recipes. The idea appalls you ? Yeah cute rabbit can be part of haute causine, but not ugly dogs. Go figure.

2) Convert dogs to working animals: Most dogs seem goddamn lazy to me. Make them work for a change. We already have a successful example. For Chihuahuas, Pomeranians and other small dogs incapable of physical labor see point 1 above.

You must have seen the ICICI Prudential “Jeete Raho” ad. You couldnt have missed it. Even if you live under a rock and crawl out once in ten years. Well, the ad is incredibly cheesy, with a little brat, a kinda pretty but irritating wife, but the most annoying character is the husband. I hate the goddamn guy, not only the character, but if I met the actor in real life I would probably blow him up with a Panzerschreck. Why ? For starters, he has this goddamn smug look. Second, he has big nostrils. I cant pin it down, but something about big nostrils is inherently off-putting. An uncle of mine has big nostrils too and I hate him as well. I seriously recommend people with big nostrils to get plastic surgery.  Look at the video and judge for yourselves:

Anyway, back to the ICICI man, he’s also in another ICICI Prudential ad where incredibly, he manages to look even more stupid, by sporting a hair patch under the lip and spouting further smug inanities. ICICI Prudential has probably lost a million new cutomers because of these ads. Seriously guys, do the world a good deed by taking these ads off.